Gary Cartwright

I’m hoping that somebody might explain something to me.

If it has snowed, and folks are slipping all over the pavements, why is it necessary for the one Belgian who actually made it into work before lunchtime to chip sheepishly away at snow covering grass 18 inches away from the pavement? Do they have grit and salt? Maybe they are waiting for the paperwork to be processed, allowing for snow clearance, in which case we can expect work to begin in early July.

This morning, two headlines grabbed my attention: the first concerned a woman who murdered her husband by setting fire to his penis, the second stated that “Belgian MPs back their new government”. I’m not sure which is the least believable. The BBC website refers to the new Prime Minister, Herman Van Rompuy, as “an old style Belgian politician”. This can mean either one of two things: either he is stupid, or he is permanantly drunk. Either way, we can safely assume that this means he won’t show up for work on Mondays, Fridays, or any day that sits adjacent to a public holiday.

I once had an appointment with a Belgian police officer. I turned up only to be told “He is not here today, he had to go to a funeral yesterday”. After no less than 6 attempts to meet with this muppet, I learned that he had returned all my paperwork to the town hall as I “had not turned up”. Perhaps, when we made the initial appointment, I should have double checked with him that he actually wanted me to go to his office, and not some local bar.

Belgium: if it didn’t exist, you wouldn’t want to make it up.

I have developed an odd trait, which I put down to the fact that I am gradually evolving into an obnoxious old git: I walk out of cinemas mid-way through films, usually throwing a bit of abuse into the air if I feel particularly offended by the drivel that passes as culture these days.

So off I went to see the remake of “The day the Earth stood still”, half expecting to be back on the street about 20 minutes after the flying saucer landed.

This was always one of my favourites; it had it all, sinister alien, robot, big 1950s cars, guns and tanks, exploding people, the bloody lot. Of course we all know that the 50s Sci-Fi genre reflected the cold war fears of middle America. So how would the remake grab our attention? Easy: there is a new bogeyman on the block, and its called environmental degradation.

In the new version, it is not mankind’s growing threat to our extra-terrestrial neighbours that is causing concern to the rest of the Universe, but our bad attitude to the environment. Klaatu, the alien, has come to destroy us before we get to destroy our planet. OK, so why not? Since the end of the cold war we haven’t really had anything to worry us, except maybe grinding poverty and starvation, but that all happens a long way from America or Europe so why should we worry too much about that? Will this be the first of a new genre of science fiction? Time will tell.

As I’m on the subject, in the hope that some Hollywood big-shot reads this, may I pass on a few personal observations?

Firstly, Michael Rennie was great as Klaatu in 1951- a chilling performance from a terrific actor (Rennie was English, incidentally). Keanu Reeves is a hopeless actor, for goodness sake can somebody please show him how to change his facial expression in time for his next role. Secondly, stuntmen make for great action sequences, computer generated special effects are for kids. If I wanted to see a f***ing cartoon, I would have gone to see Mickey f***ing Mouse. This film is all computer generated, and by the way, “the World” is not just America, although the last time I visited Washington D.C. (the bits real people live in, not that nice picture of the White House we see on tv) it looked as if a mini-armegeddon might tidy it up a bit, so feel free to wipe that out for real in the sequel.

Thats another one off my chest.

There are some real nutters out there…. The KPLO, a Ukrainian Communist group, has turned on the latest Bond girl, Olga Kurylenko, accusing her of consorting with James Bond, the killer of “hundreds of Soviet people”.

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Eurosceptics rejoice! Rules governing the size and shape of fruit and vegetables are to be repealed from July of next year.

The curvature of cucumbers and bananas, a subject that has aroused the wrath of retired stockbrokers the length and breadth of middle England, from Bumbledown-on-Sea to Greater Spiffingforth by the Thames, is now to be left to Mother Nature, in a startling admission by the Commission of the limits of its earthly powers.

Economic meltdown and the forthcoming war in the Congo have been put on the political back burner for the moment: “This marks a new dawn for the curvy cucumber and the nobbly carrot,” said Mariann Fischer Boel, Commissioner for Agriculture and Rural Development.

And they wonder why people point at them and laugh…..

You never have to wait long in Brussels before you encounter a loony theory on anything, but this has been a good few days for anyone interested in climate change.

After a few problems with a scatty barmaid, a colleague whispered to me “All women are going like this - global warming is affecting their brains….”

But deniers were shuffling with delight, eyes spinning furiously, following last week’s snowfall across Europe:  Ha! So much for global warming!” they announced. Actually, increased precipitation is an inevitable result of rising temperatures. Its why the Polar ice caps are thickening at their centres. As ice melts at the edges, the sea warms up a tad, and it snows more inland.

But I can now reveal the real truth about climate change: Nostradamus stated that “When the wings of the Ford Cortina speak to the brother of the pebble, the eigth one will decide.” To me this is absolutely clear - Its all Hitler’s fault.

I think it is always important to give credit where credit it is due….

One job I took on, with great pleasure, when I arrived in Brussels in 2004 was the distribution of poppies for the Royal British Legion.

Each year, i have been impressed by the generosity of my my colleagues.

This year, a couple of anomalies have sprung up, and I would like to share them with the world..

Firstly, my first ‘hit’ was a Polish MEP whose name I will not mention as he is a modest gentleman. In many years of raising money for charity I never saw such a generous donation.  I thank him on behalf of all us veterans for his astonishing generosity.

Secondly, I approached a mixed group of Irish and English in a bar outside the parliament (I think they were lobbyists) and asked them if they might a contribution. They told me to “P…. Off”.

Draw your own conclusions.

As I predicted , the European Parliament yesterday passed the Carnero Gonzalez report on the adoption of EU symbols. So now we have  a new national anthem, although I understand it hasn’t actually been written yet, which means that MEPs will have to hum along to Ode to Joy, in the style of the English football squad before a match.

As expected, most British Labour and Lib Dem MEPs supported this proposal, with the Tories and UKIP voting against. One abberation that does stick out, however, is Tory Christopher Beazley who supported the idea.

Eurosceptics will point to this as another example of the Tories saying one thing at home, and quietly doing the opposite in Brussels. I think, however, that the story here is the way in which the Conservative delegation has fractured, at a time when they should be getting into electioneering mode. It is not the first time that the Tory whip has failed to hold his members together during voting.

When the Irish voted “NO” to the Lisbon Treaty we were told that, amongst other things, the treaty would be stripped of its “symbolism”.

Tomorrow, the European Parliament votes on  insertion of “a new rule on the use by Parliament of the symbols of the Union”.

If accepted, and I predict that it will be, Parliament will sing the European anthem whenevr it convenes, fly the EU flag at all buildings and display it in every meeting room, etc, etc,…

So the bit about stripping away the symbolism was a complete lie.

It will be a “roll call vote” tomorrow, so we will watch closely and report back on exactly who does spit in the faces of the Irish electorate.

Boris Yefimov died today. His name is not so well known in the west, but he was a remakable man, and one of the most incisive of political cartoonists. Yefimov could never have been accused of being work-shy, he was appointed chief artist of Izvestia on his 107th birthday!

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The photographs that most of us will have seen recently of Austrian politician Heinz-Christian Strache, in paramilitary fancy dress and clutching an assault rifle, will have sent chills down many a spine. The dental technician turned politician is not a particularly intimidating figure in himself, but the imagery brings home to us exactly what is meant when we talk about a “resurgent far-right”.

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